school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
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I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My dog learned how to text
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
bro what is going on at twitter
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?