Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
good morning
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Unexpected Judgment
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I triple waxed for this?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight