[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Maths meets science
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
shampoo implies shampee
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.