@ericsshadow: [burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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@Underchilde: They say they’re free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.
@david8hughes: The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don't have garden hoses.
@shahnischmani: Just heard a lady say she's been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, "doesn't your family miss you?"
@TheTweetOfGod: "The Bible" running on the History Channel is like "Dragons" running on Animal Planet.