[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
*orders delivery*
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
he was correct
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine