me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
welp
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.