Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?