Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
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Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
just got my engagement photos
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.