*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
A bold strategy
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados