*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
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*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.