there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.