Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
You Might Also Like
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE