[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
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[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Can’t stop laughing
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.