*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.