thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.