The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
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At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.