But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
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When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie