My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I’m about to risk it all
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
got so much cardio in today
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.