But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Storm Tropical Storm
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers