Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?