8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
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wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30