*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
what does he know…
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.