but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
You Might Also Like
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.