@stockejock: Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen's house.
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you? ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
@dril: i am developing a ground brekaing new app called "MOneyWallet", where you earn "Money Points" by mailing cash to my house
@P1ssed_K1d: Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I'm onto your marketing scam... #EasterBaskets
@armyVet1972: Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, "Wow you're, like, older than my dad!"