Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.