@timdonakowski: Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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@TragicAllyHere: [opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside] [me to the fridge] you had one job
@NicCageMatch: The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it's already dead.
@IamEnidColeslaw: Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.