Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
inside you are two wolves
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?