Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Me too, bag. Me too….
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
yeah not falling for this one
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job