*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America