Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.