Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
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doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
can’t believe I got front row seats
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february