Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.