@purch_s: Buy an aquarium. Don't buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.
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@withanewname: "SIRI, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?" -- "SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!" -- "SIRI, WHERE'S MY DINNER?" -- Wife: "She's either deaf, or had sex with you too."
@amydillon: [concert] SINGER: How's everyone feeling tonight??? ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I'm in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
@bjfrancypants: "ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!" is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.
@jaxxygrant: Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.