Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Only short people can save us
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I triple waxed for this?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!