[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
They say women only use 10% of their anger
There is no “ea” in Tim.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
only 11 steps left
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
ugh not again
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy