*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this