*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.