*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
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Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
#winning
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.