Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
You Might Also Like
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.