Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.