Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
You Might Also Like
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??