Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.