*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
You Might Also Like
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m putting together a team
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.