*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.