BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Catercrombie & Fish
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Straight people are cancelled
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty