BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand