Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
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God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
We need more people like this.