Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.