by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
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If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Flock of bats
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis