@KimmyMonte: by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
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@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
@jonnysun: HISTORIAN: im a historian ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year HISTORIAN: oh, 1901 ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
@captainkalvis: wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!
@JermHimselfish: I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies