My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I am never leaving this website
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.