Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
#titanic
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.