COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.