Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
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Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
😎 🍻
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.