By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
calling in to work dehydrated
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
This will never not be funny 😭
🙋♀️
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.