by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready